Anxiety Tigers

I’ve come to realize, that for me, my social anxiety is a bit like a tiger attack.  The tiger jumps out of no where and tries to eat you; somehow you survive the tiger attack.  A normal person eventually would go “Wow, I’m lucky, I survived that!”.  To me, the tiger is always lurking the the shadows, and I fear the tiger for long periods afterwards.  If said tiger is a person that I interact with regularly, it is possible that the tiger will recede and even vanish, however if the same thing happens again the tiger just gets larger in my mind.

Anything stressful that is new is a tiger (or other wild beast) to me. Some of these new stressful situations are long and drawn out causing a tremendous amount of anxiety, others are smaller and go away more easily, it really just depends on the situation.  Also, once one attack happens in a day, thee next one will feel bigger than it would have otherwise, they seem to have a compounding effect.

Today started with a new squirrel attack, nothing major, then an ongoing polar bear attack texted me, a lion attack happened, and then a recurrent wolf attack called me.  I was shaking and feeling like I would vomit by the time I got home.

Today is the first day in quite a while that I’ve had issues.  I have been doing much better recently.  I’ve been managing my stress better, and to be honest I listened to some good advice.  A doctor I trust very much was talking to me about my anxiety and was suggesting I try a medication.  I didn’t want any as I’ve been dealing with this for almost my entire life, and it’s been a point of pride that I haven’t needed medication.  but “wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have to wake up and feel that way every day?  What if you could wake up and feel better?”.

I thought about that for about two months before I decided to try a very low dose of a medication.  That low dose makes a TON of difference in my life.  I’ve gone over a month with minimal anxiety, today was just a really bad day.  It’s made it possible to eat better, to exercize, to take care of myself, to do the things I knew I needed to do but was unable to because of my anxiety. I didn’t realize how much my anxiety was effecting until it started going away.

So the long and short of it is- social anxiety for me is waiting for attacks to happen (real or imagined), listening to others is helpful, and medication has made it easier for me to live my life.

Loneliness

My father passed away 17 years ago and I still miss him dearly.  After his death I went into a major depression that lasted for at least 2-3 years.

I say that, yet I know I was depressed before that timeframe and after that timeframe, but my father’s death just made it horrendous and unbearable.  I know I was not managing my emotions well, and that’s the first instance I can think of that I was burying and displacing my emotions.  I KNOW I did this before, but that is just such a major event in my life that it really stands out.

When I look back, and I think about depression and my main emotion- it’s loneliness. I am, at my core, a very lonely person.  I can be surrounded by people but I still am feeling lonely because I’m not really connecting with people.  The only person I really connect deeply with is my husband.

Even my family members are not safe- everyone gossips and spreads lies and information.  I once told one person good news, and they told everyone else before I had the chance to (despite me telling them not to).  I was robbed of simple joy.  It’s not wonder that I keep barriers up around everyone.  I know they make me lonelier, but they also keep me safe.

I worry sometimes that I Will never be able to feel anything but lonely and that I will just die alone- whether I am surrounded by people or not.

Running away from the suck

I’m in an online group- it’s the best group ever- everyone is supportive and nice, and if you’re not you get kicked out.  One of the members recently had a tragedy in their life and they mentioned how everyone around her kept trying to get her to ignore and not feel how much that time sucked. I started reflecting on this and realized my family does this big time.

When something bad happens- you ignore it and move on, you don’t sit with it and feel how much it hurts. I think this is a mechanism that I have wholeheartedly embraced and become the master of.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work in the long term; the emotions begin to eat away at you from the inside, like termites eating a block of wood.  No one around you notices- because the outer facade is perfect, but on the inside you are getting emptier and emptier. There are little shakes (for me in the form of anxiety) that try to hurt the facade, but it holds up well, because you have many many layers built up around you. Eventually a major quake happens and the structural integrity of the inside can no longer hold up the facade and you crumble and crash down.  Everyone around you is puzzled and has no idea what is going on because they never saw the the reality of the inner self.

Well I’m post crash.  I am rubble- well I was. I would say I am in the rebuilding phase.  I am trying to put up a nice strong interior.  I am planning on going for a more modern and slightly deconstructed look this time- where the facade doesn’t cover the whole interior.

I still have tremors of anxiety.  However when I feel that I take a break, and look at it, I ask it what’s going on, and sit with it.  This has really helped reduce the tremors, but I am still looking into possibly going on anti-anxiety medication.  I have never used any medication for anxiety (I have for depression, but I went off of it years ago).  I worry that it will cover up the anxiety and therefore slow my progress.

I am anxious about writing this- because I am worried that the people in my life will figure out who I am.  It’s ridiculous really, only about 25 people have read any part of this blog (and thank you to those of you who have), and I highly doubt any of them know anyone who knows me.  I suppose that’s another layer that eventually I will have to work on- letting the people around me in a little bit more.

Back

I took a break from writing for a few months but I am back.  Everything had just gotten to be too much.  My anxiety was through the roof and I ended up getting fired.  This sent me down a spiral and I think (and hope) that I hit rock bottom.

I was so anxious I couldn’t function.  I tried to pretend to be okay like I had previously been doing- by going for walks and acting like everything was okay, but I couldn’t keep it up.  I broke down and sat on the couch eating and being paralyzed for my anxiety.  The anniversary of my miscarriage came and went.

Slowly, I started to be able to function again.  I’ve been meditating and working to take a beat and feel the emotions before pushing them away.  I realized that I get anxious instead of feeling the underlying emotion a lot of the time.  So I stop and ask myself- what is making me anxious- how do I feel?  By doing that I am learning to understand when I am angry or sad, or upset, or nervous.

Once I recognize the emotion I try to do something about it.

• For anger: I throw rocks into water or punch one of those inflatable clowns (and he gets back up smiling every time- that bastard!)
• For sadness: I cry, I sit the and allow myself to cry, I cuddle with loved ones and tell them about what I am sad about (having them accept my tears is so amazing to me)
• For nervousness: I really just ask myself why I am nervous- sometimes I express this to others, sometimes I talk to myself about what the worst that can happen is

I haven’t tried to look for another job yet.  I am afraid to.  I don’t feel ready and I am worried that it’s going to send me back down the same hole I had been in.

My realization of the night- I have always spoken to myself that I am bigger and stronger than everyone else (regardless of whether this is the truth).  I realized that I convinced myself of this because of my past abuse- I did that to convince myself that no one else would ever hurt me or do that to me again.

I am working to improve and get myself emotionally back on track.  I am allowing myself to take time and not be perfect in the other parts of my life.  I feel guilty about not always eating right and not exercising, but I know I need to take the time to let my soul heal.

Recovering from emotional neglect

So if you’ve been reading the past few weeks I’m sure you’ll have noticed that there’s quite a few things that I’m dealing with at the moment, but it all boils down to one central theme.  I am currently unable to cope with my emotions.

I am suffering from (among other things) Childhood emotional neglect. Essentially my parents didn’t respond to my emotional needs, which taught me that they are not worth attention- so I shoved them down and ignored them.  Once I heard about this I thought “Well, I could have told you that”.  I was called hyper-emotional as a child and would cry all the time, I was taught to ignore these feelings directly by being told to stop crying so much, as well as indirectly by being sent to my room whenever I was upset.  I remember many times just wanting a hug and never getting one (as an aside my OH gives fantastic hugs and will now hug me whenever I seem slightly upset).

How am I trying to recover from it?  Well I am following Dr. Jonice Webb (see link above) and watching her videos and posts.  I have not yet purchased her book, but I seem to be doing well so far.  Essentially I am trying to feel my emotions, figure out why I am feeling the way I am, and give them the validation to be there. I am also chronicling my journey here as well as keeping a journal of drawings of how I am feeling.

How did I get to the point where I started looking for answers?  You know, I’m not entirely sure.  I’ve been in and out of therapy for my entire adult life. I’ve dealt with the death of my father, major illness in my family, a abusive/neglectful mother, major moves, a divorce, and a miscarriage.  My current therapist said I could easily have become an addict or criminal with my background.  Thankfully my addiction was escapism with books/movies and control of my body (in the form of mild orthorexia and sports).  I believe that running from the grief of the miscarriage just got to be too much,  my mother was severely ill this year, and I had a very stressful time at work.

So here I am- trying to  feel and embrace my emotions, which are pretty low right now (as they naturally should be).  I am sorry if this is a bit depressing, but that’s where I am at.

Got to put the past behind you

I was watching Forrest Gump today.  It was nice to be able to cry at all the sad parts again- it had been a few years since I had cried at a movie.  As I was watching one of “Mama’s” pearls of wisdom struck me.

My Mama always said, “You got to put the past behind you before you can move on.”

I haven’t been putting the past behind me regarding a few things in my life- others I have put in my past.  The most obvious is my miscarriage.  I haven’t been allowing myself to put it behind me. I haven’t been allowing myself to grieve. I need to “put the past behind me” and move on.  I need to allow myself to grieve, and honor that grief, allow the grief the time and space that it needs, and then I have to move on.  My little baby is my little angel now.  It will always be with me and part of me, but not how I had hoped.

I need to work on moving on from a few other things in my past as well.

To that end I just purchased a little statue to commemorate my baby.  I will make a little shrine in my garden.

Learning emotions

My heart is broken.  It is broken because of all the love I had for my baby, all of it was not enough.  That baby could not stay it had to leave.  Everything eventually leaves. The only thing that hasn’t left is my OH.  He is amazing.  He is here to stay and I love him so much.

But everything else has been taken from me or left. I had to work for every little piece of humanity that I have.  I taught myself how to interact with people consciously while in high school and college because I never learned how to do it as a small child.  I feel like I still come off as an outsider, never truly human like everyone else.

My mother is only there with conditions, and usually it’s to be an emotional vacuum on my soul.  My father died more than 15 years ago.  I really wish I had set aside more time to be with him, but his fragility and frailty terrified me.  He was dying, and I knew it, and I couldn’t bear to see it.  So I did the only thing I knew how to do, I ran away from it.  I have seen two of my cats run over by cars in front of me, I have watched my parakeets die, my childhood dogs were put to sleep and I was told as an afterthought.  No one thought to let me say goodbye, or be there for the event.  My mother even sold my childhood bedroom set while I was in my first year at the dorms without telling me, without asking me if MAYBE I would like them? Maybe I could move into an apartment and use the furniture to set up my future life and be supported?

No I had to scrape and claw and pull my way up and teach myself humanity. I had to learn how to love and be caring despite how I was raised.  I can really read other’s emotions because I had to read my mother to figure out whether it would be a good day or bad day. I would have to almost read her mind to keep her happy.  So now I take on other people’s emotions really easily.  It is just SO painful when they are mad at me.  I know I am supposed to shield myself, but that it one skill I haven’t really learned.  That is part of the reason I am having such a hard time at work.  I cannot deal with other people’s emotions surrounding me.

I’m sorry this is so disjointed- it just seems that everything is hitting me at once, and I can barely cope with it.

Anxiety

I have had anxiety attacks since I was about 12.  I remember my first one.  I was sitting in science class, and we were talking about outer space (I think?)- and suddenly it hit me: I will die some day.  I had a panic attack right in the room.  Have been taught that I shouldn’t make waves, I didn’t say anything or tell anyone.  I didn’t feel safe bringing it up to my parents- (I had always been sent to my room and ignored when I was upset).  I then had panic attacks every night for about 2-3 years.  I would read books al night in an attempt to not have them, but I would.

Eventually I taught myself to distract myself enough to not have them so frequently.  I thought I was being very successful, but in reality I was not. I started falling asleep in class and my grades started dropping.  It wasn’t until YEARS later that I had any therapy for my panic attacks, by that time I had become a master of ignoring the thoughts and distracting myself from issues that bothered me.

Now I am paying more attention to my anxiety. I am trying to find out what the topics are that make me anxious and face them.  Allow my anxiety space to exist while I explore the topic.  I rarely have attacks anymore, but they aren’t nearly as strong nor do they last as long as they used to.

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Today I am trying to clean my house 15 minutes at a time.  I get up, set a timer for 15 minutes, and clean until it goes off. Unfortunately I come across things that make me think and give me anxiety.  I had to cut my most recent cleaning attempt short by 3 minutes because I saw my name tag from work.

I am anxious about work because I believe I cannot sustainably continue working there.  I think I know what direction I would like to take, but my OH is getting a new job soon, we just do not know where.  It doesn’t make sense for me to make a career move or apply for new training programs or jobs until I know where we will be based.   I dread going to work right now- I dread working with my co-workers, I dread dealing with the customers, I dread making the smallest mistake.  Some part of me loves my job, but unfortunately it is overwhelmed by the rest of my being that hate it.  It’s odd.  When I was a young child this was my dream job.  If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say the career I am in now- but it is not the fairy-tale every thinks it is.  People yell at you and abuse you for things you cannot control.  They try to get you to give them things for free.

So I have a plan, a plan to leave with my head held up high.  Yet I still fear what my co-workers will say or think about me.  This is where the anxiety is coming in. I am afraid of their reactions. I need to be able to stand on my own and not care what they think- but I had always been taught (as a child) to put everyone else’s needs first. To take care of everyone else before me.   It is now time to take care of myself. (There must be truth to this as I just started crying). I have always taught to give everything I have within me and expect little to nothing in return (emotionally).

I feel like my mother tries to take all of my emotions and just give me money in return.  She bribes me to spend time with her by trying to use money and trips to make me want to spend time with her. When I am with her I give to her my emotions my caring my love, but I just don’t feel it coming back.  She takes over any topic and makes it about her.

I remember when I was in my early 20s and learning about myself, I was trying to figure out who I was supposed to be, and she called me narcissistic. I look back on it now as the pot calling the kettle black, but then it hurt me deeply.  My first ventures on my own, and trying to figure myself out (which is what you are SUPPOSED to do), and she labels me with a psychiatric disorder.

Miscarriage Grief

Once again I’m not pregnant.  It seems every time I get my hopes up, when I end up not being pregnant I end up grieving again.  I’m not over my miscarriage.  I’m not done wishing that I could have saved or done something different to help that little baby survive.  I’m not over the fact that I held it in my hand after it came out, and couldn’t deal with the emotions so I flushed it. I didn’t say a proper good-bye, I didn’t give it a proper burial I flushed it and (tried) all my emotions about it down into the sewers never to be seen again.

I wanted that baby so much. I still want it so much, with every single fiber of my being I wish that I could hold that baby now.  That it didn’t die.  That I was good enough for it. I know I’m not supposed to blame myself, but how can I not? We did genetic testing on it, it was perfectly healthy.  It was my body that had an issue.  A few months later I found out that I have MTHFR with elevated homocysteine.  So likely my body threw a clot into the blood supply for the baby and killed it. My body killed my baby.

Now that I know that I am trying to do everything right. I am eating a clean diet, I’m eliminating toxins from my home, I’m taking the right supplements, I’m taking baby aspirin to decrease the risk of clots.  I’m exercising, I’m trying to do everything.  Yet cycle after cycle, nothing.  I’ve had two cycles where it seemed I had stronger signs that I might be pregnant. I got excited, and then my period comes, as strong and angry as ever.  And I get despondent. I feel as if I will never get pregnant. I am not lucky enough to be chosen to be a mother, the one thing in life that I still hold onto as a good and positive thing that you can be and do.

I also look at parenting as a chance to heal my family. To raise my children well and being sensitive to their emotions. To fix the historical wrongs and send them on their way to a better life than I could ever have.

It is not to be.  I am a few weeks away from the 1 year anniversary of my miscarriage. I would have a baby in my arms RIGHT NOW if it hadn’t happened. I would be a mother. Instead I am here, feeling alone in the world, feeling empty, hoping that one day this wound will be better and I will be pregnant again.

work ramblings

I’m really tired tonight, so I don’t think this will be long or anything special.  I’mm going to write in a flow of consciousness style and go with what ever comes up- so I’m sorry if it’s jumbled.

Work is really annoying- it would be better without other people- both co-workers and clients.  I know it’s silly, but if I could just do my thing, it would be done without so much fuss and stress and I wouldn’t have to deal with the random complaining and meetings about silly nothingness.

I need to change careers- the one I am in is too stressful and I just don’t deal with the stress well. I feel like it really negatively impact my personal well being.

I’m falling asleep, that will be all for now.